My Mother's Eyes

The following words were actually my first post to this site and were posted on November 30th 2007. The only change was of the word Tucson, to Portland. Oh sure, there may be some other minor corrections.

I was born on the morning of September 9th, 1959, in San Diego California at Mercy Hospital. Yes... Mercy! And that was the beginning of my imagined troubles. I must have had a scowl on my face for Im sure the doctor slapped my ass as is the custom treatment for newborns, as if to say "This is what you get for being born". What a sorry welcome. I'll have to ask my mom how much I smiled when I was a new human. Mercy. So I grew up in San Diego and its environs but, no, I did not surf, my parents were not actors, and we did not live in a mansion on a hill. I did get to smell a lot of smoke though and get thrilled by more than one shaking. Fun it was.

My dad did mostly janitorial work as I remember. Such was the case at his death. He worked for the city library in Alamogordo New Mexico. My mom raised 6 trouble makers. Well... perhaps we are not all trouble makers. I remember my mom telling me that she worked at some Walgreens type store and that she used to swim a lot. I don't remember her being unhappy when I was a child but she is that way a lot now. There is a connection here to my mother, Mercy hospital, and the deadly light.

So yeah, I grew up in that part of the world, when things were so much different. As they always are in the past. When I was in the 6th grade my parents bought a house in east county. We moved out there and my dad left us soon after. "If you can't stay here with me then leave". My mothers angry, hurt, words that I remember so vividly. I was glad he left and no sadness fell from my eyes. No... that would come much later but my mothers sadness, unrealized to me at the time, was already present.

Oh, I forgot, this is supposed to be about me.

Growing up in east county (Lakeside to be exact) was very different than doing the same in San Diego but I was still timid me. Im still timid me but in a fucked up, angry, confused, sad for no reason but "Im working on that", got you fooled kind of way. Hopefully if we ever meet I will be in a very good mood. Not that Im ever not kind to strangers.

Lakeside California. The only thing that saved me were the hills behind the tract of homes in which our home - strike that - our house was located. I went up there quite frequently with friends or my brothers or myself. I used to wank-off up there a lot. Of course that phrase was not used by me at that time being that I had not yet been to England where I picked it up. Yeah, England. The lost, timid boy did something he thought he never would. Joined the military. More specifically the US Air Force. And while I was indeed twenty and not a boy one would think otherwise if they saw a photo of me from basic training.

I joined the military after returning from Heavener Oklahoma, after trying out Bakersfield, after quitting my job at Smilies Industries, after considering the physical condition of a fellow employee who had been working there for far to many years. My experience in the Air Force was a good one especially since there were no wars or rumors of war. It's called opportunity or "how to get the fuck outa here" cause I fucked up in high school. Military service is an option taken up by many a naive young man.

Anyway... Im in Portland now and there are wars and rumors of war, and there is a connection here to the deadly light.

the Place BEtween

There is this favorite spot along the Willamette where I like to sit and think or search for lost and insignificant things. Or maybe just have a snack (: It's not a specific spot at all but it is always the same: On one side; the groan of the city and all it stirs in the mind and spirit--concerns and cares and reasons why. And on the other side; the wild. The glorious and wise wild. Perhaps not so wild at this point but wild enough to know that the earth still lives. There is a kind of balance here, with the madness of the city calmed by the wind and the water and the light in the leaves.

I sat on the rivers rocky edge one evening and questioned the moon; What would you give the sea if you were lovers? "Stars of course", was the reply.

And then I noticed

they are lovers! -- and the sea is full of stars.

What is it that draws me to the city, and this city in particular? Humanity of course, and nature. Have I told you about the trees? I shall, and I will tell you of this dream. I was flying effortlessly over the forested green hills, over the ridge I went and down into the magical woods for a closer look. I beheld a most massive tree which was not like the others but for one. It's massive trunk supported many branches all the size of tree trunks. Solid, strong, comforting and calm and reaching out and up to the sky. I stopped to feel its presence and was taken by its being. I wished to climb its trusses and sleep in its arms but I could not stay. So I took to the sky once more and flew through and from this forrest.

But the trees are always with me. That's just how they make me feel. Strong and calm and sure.

Wow!

Well, I arrived in Portland a year ago on the 29th of april around 9:40pm. I can't believe it has been one year. So much has happened it seems but I am still unsettled. Ive decide to revive this blog as it is fine for now and I want to write and pretend it is to someone (: If an old man dies on the farm and no one knows, did he live? Hey... tomorrow I have an interview at the Classical Chinese Garden downtown. I am very jazzed about this interview and potential employment for many reasons. We'll see.

Anyway... Welcome back Vinny.

Thanks!