Appreciation

    Oh my. I got paid today and treated myself to a big burger and some beer. And what a treat it was. The 5th Quadrant is where I ate. They represent a local brewery and use local, organic beef between their buns. The burger was beyond good and for the first time I had gouda cheese with it. Yum, perfect compliment. I also had two Sockeye Cream Stouts via nitro. Too good. For those who do not know, nitro is sometimes used instead of  Co2 to get the beer out of the keg. It makes for a smoother creamer taste. Much preferred by myself. I had never heard of it till moving here. Anyway, I enjoyed my treat and that has as much to do with the fact that I just got paid for some work I am doing. I have not had any significant work in months so have not been able to go out and get a burger and beer in some time. There is nothing like lack to make one appreciate some seemingly simple things. Of course I have been enjoying myself without money as there is still plenty of living to be had for free. It's my goal now to be even more self-sufficient. What does that mean? Is anyone truly free or SELF-sufficient? It's a matter of degree but just having to rely on others for income is not self-sufficient. But there is a great deal one can do for themselves, even in the city, to minimize dependency. So yeah, land of the free, home of the brave. I think not. At least no more than many other "Lands".  But why would we compare ourselves to say... Palestine. Apple to apple we are pretty ordinary and much more dependent than we ever think about. And brave? Have you sucked up your dose of fear today?

    ANYWAY......... So while I was sitting there eating I noticed this tiny, bright-green bug walking across the beer menu. Little bug lost. An aphid out of place, and I thought, like with the buzzing fly, to squash it. No reason for that, but one might think maybe it would be better for the bug. Put it out of its misery. What misery? One would not do that to a person. Let's lend a hand. Of course I did not bother with the bug anymore than I usually bother with the person on the street asking for some change. Im sure the guys on the street need much more than some change and it's not anything I can really help with. But the bug... The irony of it is that being a gardener, if I had found it with a bunch of other aphids in excess on some plant I probably would have suffocated them all with soap and water. Hey... there's no shortage of aphids. Hum... one could say that about us humans too but I don't believe it. I think there is enough for all but we let fear and greed rule us from the highest realms of humanity. We are humans not aphids. We should live accordingly. What separates humans from aphids? Yeah, yeah ,yeah, we've got big brains and can create things we are not mature enough to use. Always reaching for more of nothing and not realizing that we've got it all going. Fa ree and brave.

Great burger. I think Im going to go get me some ice cream. Or better yet the same thing only different made with coconut milk. Got to love coconut though.

Stories

   I believe everyone has a story to tell that would be of relevance and interest to others. A story that instructs or encourages or just makes one laugh at living. My friend Laura has been in Mexico City now for several weeks. She's a performance artist and is walking Aveneda de los Insurgentes, through the heart of the city, inviting anyone to walk with her a bit and tell a story. Any story. She then posts them at Walking Stories: Mexico City. The stories can be bizarre but are mostly everyday though insightful and warm. A bridge to understanding.

   Today I was sitting our front of Backspace reading a local rag and sipping some coffee. It was a quiet, overcast afternoon, yet bright and warm. A couple guys sat next to me talking and at one point engaged me. One spoke of a man he met from China and of his idea to get a story out of him and post it to a blog. He spoke of building this bridge to understanding. Laura's blog is like that. She was there when the piggy flew and was reporting straight from the streets of Mexico City. Her actual observations tempered the ridiculous hype coming form the joke we call news. Of course there is nothing funny about some of that which is spewed form the mouths of various talking heads on the television. It is important that we live with open minds and hearts so that we are ready to see the truth when it confronts us. And I am not talking about some contrived dogma parading as truth, "only" or otherwise. Think about it. There is no shortage of religions claiming to be the path. No shortage of chains binding spirit.

   Anyway... The guys went into Backspace and came out later with a girlfriend of theirs. They were on their way to get a free meal being offered at Obryant Park and invited me to join them. Sure, I said and off we went. I didn't need the meal but was grateful for the friendship offered and yes, the meal too, which turned out to be quite generous and tasteful. There was a variety of fresh prepared dishes and deserts. There was even a queue for clothing for anyone who might need something. 

   When I leave my house to be part of the day these are the kinds of experiences I hope to have. All three of these travelers had stories to tell and today we were all part of each others story. I say go ahead and tell your story even if it's only to yourself and not in words to be read. It's like a journey of discovery at the least, and if you listen to the stories of others you'll know that you are not alone. And like life, you never know. You never know what will come of the telling, the writing, the listening, but it will come to something. Take charge of your story. Laugh, cry, get angry and let it all go. The wind is listening.

Perspective

What do you see when you look at this picture? It makes me think of something very specific: The place between.

Perspective shapes everything we see but I think too many of us are unaware of that. I know I was when I was younger. But I learned that many of my thoughts were not really mine, but echos of others for better or worse and, unfortunately, too often worse. Thoughts formed with words and deeds and obvious contradiction or apparent reward. Thoughts formed by the mouths and actions of others--others acting out others thoughts. What is true freedom?

Perspective: The place from where we watch the world and all that is on it, in it, over it, surrounding it; whether real or the grandest of illusions--be they nightmare or dream. The place from where we walk in the world. This place is variable and often unknown. What we see is a reflection of ourselves.

But who's looking in the mirror?

In general, it's a pretty simple picture. But I see with everything I think.

Sleepy

It's 5 pm. I feel like I need to wake up. My life lately feels like this:  Im looking out the window at the fresh growth of spring, how the red of maple leaves catches the light. The new green of a rose bush. The pale purple of bluebells complimented by the lacy leaves and deep pink of geranium. The sky is a stormy blue and gray, and its wind whips the leaves into a frantic dance. It looks cold but for the light which adds warmth and life to this vision through the pane and plastic. But it's all silent, like a strange dream, and I feel nothing. No cold. No warmth. Motion with no force. Light with no life. But still... isn't it pretty?

Am I bound or just in a mood? Dreaming and not touching. At least my dreams have promise, though I can never stay there long enough and I can never go back. 

Oh hell! Maybe I just need a cup of coffee.

Well

...so much for god and the universe and hope and good feelings. I didn't get the job.

May 6th

I wrote the two preceding sentences in the morning of the 4th after I got the call from the Chinese Garden saying "We hired someone else."

I had an interview today for a job that will in actuality be better for me. Not that Im going to get it. It just makes me think, because the day I got the call and set the interview for the Chinese Garden I had received a call prior. It too was for a job but Everett, not knowing it was concerning work, did not take a message and told him to call back in a few minutes. I was upset 'cause Im having a hard time finding work. He never called back or returned my call but when I got home later that day I had a message from the Chinese garden. So now Im thinking how it's good that I missed that call cause it might have interfered with the interview for this job that I really wanted.

MADNESS. Why! I ask, do I have a brain? So now Im like, yeah, this that and that.

Well of course it doesn't make sense.

May Day

Here's more buried American history. May 1st should have more significance in our tradition being that it represents the fight for the 8 hour work day. Most of us Americans do not realize that our country had horrid and inhumane work conditions in our past to include sweat shops and child labour. And Im not talking about little Jimmy helping dad out in the orchard. Im talking third world. In fact, May 1st is International Workers Day and is celebrated across the globe in many countries but you wont find it celebrated here or even mentioned. This could be because it is associated with Communism, Socialism, and the Anarchist movement. But also because it is associated with the  Haymarket Massacre, or the euphemistic Hayward Affair, and other heinous injustices perpetrated by officials, high and low, on those demonstrating and arguing for workers rights. On May 1st, 1986, 170 armed police marched into the area where a crowd was listening to prominent speakers and ordered them to disperse. Fielden, who was speaking, objected and stepped down from the platform. Suddenly a bomb was thrown into the police ranks and one was killed. The police fired and panic ensued. In the end 7 police officers and an unknown number of civilians were killed. What happened in the following months was a witch hunt. Several prominent leaders of the movement were arrested and charge even though many of them were not even present at the tragic event. With no evidence (it was never proven who threw the bomb) and much prejudice, Spies, Parsons, Schwab, Fielden, Fischer, Engle, and Lingg were sentenced to be hanged. There's a lot of American history here. Check it out.

I first read of this while reading Emma Goldman's autobiography "Living My Life" It is a very interesting read due to the actual history of it. I found out about her while reading Howard Zinn's "A Peoples History of the United States" Howard Zinn is a very level headed intelligent man who is prominent in scholarly circles but much maligned buy those in our society who wish to keep evil deeds in the dark and paint a rosy and inaccurate picture of history. Only when all nations confess their sins against humanity will peace be possible. Lies beget lies and wars beget wars and ignorance begets ignorance. Truth is light and when it is suppressed you are left with darkness.

I woke

...feeling comfortably refreshed and I woke early. 5:30 am. Since moving to Portland I have been sleeping till at least 8:30 and usually longer so it seems just a bit strange to get up this early even tough it was pretty normal while I was living in Tucson. Ive been wanting to get back to this schedule and I think it has happened now because I am preparing myself  for employment, hopefully at the Chinese Garden. I felt good about the interview I had there on wednesday, and after being interviewed by Jane and Sam I felt I wanted to work there even more. It truly seems like it would be a great place to work. We'll see.

    So today is the first of May. Yay  (:   The first of May and I feel fresh and gay. It does seem like a special day in some way. It's also my official one year anniversary of being in Portland. What an interesting year it has been. I came here with incredibly high hopes and things did indeed start off quite sunny. I got here at 9:40 pm on the last day of April. On the 1st of May I answered and add for a room in Sellwood. On the 2nd I met Sandy, the owner of the house. On the 3rd I moved in. It was, and still is Im sure, a great place to live which was full of peace and light. Maybe just a bit to quiet but not really. I had a quiet upstairs room with a sunny, south facing window. Oddly enough this is exactly what I had wanted. A room exactly as such in a house near the Springwater Corridor which is an extensive bike path part of which passes along the Willamette. Shortly after moving in I bought myself a new bike and timed my trip from the house to downtown. Yeah, I was pretty excited and hopeful.

    The first shadow that was cast was in relation to relationships. The idea that there would be a lot of fresh faces to date, and that there would be a lot of guys with similar values as myself to meet and get to know, added to my excitement and while it was true it soon became apparent that it was more of the same old. I'll save the details for another day but I still had plenty to learn and realize. The big setback though, was when I fell and broke my wrist while skating. It was a pretty heinous break too and of course on my right arm. It was on monday and I had just started working for Marcia that friday. Needless to say I could not continue work so the cash which I had been spending rather carelessly was not being replaced and I had to find another living situation to make it go farther. I found that situation just in time and after some prep work I moved in to this room in a drab, cluttered house in the middle of sunny september. Unfortunately a rash that I got from exposure to Stinging Nettle moved in with me and grew quite bad before subsiding. It is still with me a bit today, 7 months later. 

    I have to say that I was pretty naive about coming here and how things would unfold. I did think I would find satisfying work right away and that I would even have a boyfriend. You know, I pretty much thought I was all of a sudden going to have this wonderful new life. Everything that has happened to me though, has helped me to see what is really important to me, and has helped me to be more sure and strong in myself. It kind of reined me in and gave me a reality check. Kind of. Reality... Ha! 

    So today, the first day of May, I feel refreshed and new. It's literally going to be a sunny day and Im going to get myself out side and see what I can find.

Cheers!