...of days when all my words of self encouragement have absolutly no meaning. I think I feel one of those days coming on and I think I know why but I'm not going to speak it. I'm not going to speak it because I'm sick of that circle and its got to the point where it sounds like a bunch of whining. Ive started a few journals in the past and when I find them in some forgotten place and read them I definitely see the trend. So I'm not going to speak it. I'm going to let it go.
I like to think that actually being aware of my thoughts and realizing how incredibly ridiculous they are is a key. The thoughts: some of which are positive but of a totally fantastic nature (You know... fairytale shit) and some which seem to come from nowhere and are more than just negative. They are like, where the fuck did this soap-opera bullshit come from? I did not watch soaps when I was young and I don't watch them now. I killed my TV a long time ago although the house I rent comes with one which I use to watch movies.
So yeah... the thoughts. The negative ones are worse for they create real feelings of anger and distress. Don't get me wrong. I have become aware of them and can stop them but I'm like "where does this shit come from". The situations in my head involve real people but the personal interactions are off the wall and totally made up. This is living in the head at its worst. Its like I'm projecting into the future, events that will never happen, and getting angry about it. Of course the good ones are the same. Usually projections of hope for some romantic interest and I'm not just talking date fantasy's. These might not seem so bad at first and it may even seem that I should allow them but I am constantly in need of a reality check. Hey... I'm working on it. I really need to get out of my head and see whats in front of me.
Somewhere in me I have this thought, its more of a feeling really that seems so real that it makes me sad to think that I don't have it so much in my life. I really believe it is real and possible but perhaps this is something I need to let go of as well. No, I wont speak it for the definition is undefined and the vernacular is overused, vague, and absolutely meaningless. It just needs to be allowed.
Anyway... I do this thing that I am getting better at lately. Its all about getting out of my head and stopping the senseless chatter. I close my eyes and totally relax my face. There is a connection, obviously, between thought and facial expression. Its funny I remember when I was a teenager and would get stoned, sometimes I would look in the mirror and be able to go through all these facial expressions and actually feel them; happy, sad, mad, whatever. It was quite amusing. Well now I'm realizing that if I think to smile and do it the action leads to a genuine laugh or mild amusement. It works for all the emotions. Anyway... Ive lost track. I think that most of the time I have a very severe expression on my face and I think that a lot of people misread my character because of it. It is so easy for us to misread people on account of their outer appearance and I am talking about a much more subtle prejudice than race or religion. Anyway... this practice causes my mind to rest and I go to a peaceful place in my head.
I often feel I am on the verge of something wonderful and it makes me sad because I can feel it but I can't touch it.
Is the light trying to kill me?
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