Painting

The poem of painting illusion was written on november 11th while I was out in Cascabel. The confusion of the last several months seems to have ebbed. This is reflected in the fact that I was able to really enjoy my time in Cascabel and be content in the moment. The poem is part of what had been going on in those last several months. I wont go into details concerning the specific impetus for its words at this time but I can say that even while going through it I knew that it was about much more than what was apparent on the surface to any observer. I originally moved to Cascabel in the spring of '98. It had been an El Nino winter and I arrived to a most beautiful welcome of spring wildflowers. A rare treat in the desert. My time living in Cascabel turned out to be a shedding of the shit, as I like to say. A time when I began to loose what I had allowed society to place upon me and what the Catholic church had burdened me with. There are belief systems that say we create or own lives. For the most part I believe this to be true, especially when we become aware of our thoughts and emotions and the effects of external influence, but at the same time I know that when we are young and unaware we are easily influenced. This was true for me. Even to this day the lines between reality and fantasy are blurred. I have always lived mostly in my head and only now am I learning to navigate the two worlds. To walk the dream.
I am no longer religious at all but I know that even to this moment there remains some deep influence on my psyche not just from that church but also by my innocent exposure to TV and music and the way I confused it with reality. The catholic church touts itself as the bearer of light and truth and as a child being raised by its influence I believed what I had learned. Fortunately I have had a life of exposure to many peoples, religions and, ways of being. Slowly, due to this thing I don't yet fully understand, I began to open up and accept new thoughts. However, the real shedding began when I moved to Cascabel.
I had been living in Laveen, a place that is part of the Phoenix monstrosity, with Tim and Erik. We had recently bought property together in Cascabel. I had what was the best job of my life (as far as success is concerned) but ended up hating it. Also at this time my father was dying and things were not going well with me, Tim, and Erik. My fault I'm sure but I wont go into details here. Basically I was very unhappy. Cascabel was calling me so after quiting my job and living in Tularosa NM for a few months with my dad I moved to Cascabel.
My life there was very spartan and that is no exaggeration. I learned what was really important to living and how to live with less. Much less. And more importantly, the bonds of religious constriction, one of the worst forms of spiritual opression, began to fall away. Through my experience there and with various events in Tucson I began to learn who I was and what was important to me. I began to be true and aware. I began to know the meaning of I am.
So... after this and that I ended up in Tucson ready to share myself with the world. Somehow I began to slip till I found myself in confusion. I am a creator and two of the most important things to me are that which I do not fully understand and people. The two go hand in hand. Anyway... the last several months (the last year really) has opened my eyes to my lack and to the fact that I got off track. My lack as far as not being true and off track as far as not living that truth.
But, here I am.